The Cat Hygiene Checklist: A Head-To-Tail Guide For A Clean, Healthy Cat

How To Pet Your Cat A Wacky, Whisker-Approved Guide to Feline Affection

Cats are magical creatures. Mysterious. Majestic. Mildly judgmental. They love you, but only on alternate weekdays, after meals, when the moon is in the right phase, and only if you approach them at a 37-degree angle with the proper emotional energy.

Petting a cat isn’t simple. It’s an art. A science. A spiritual experience. A dare.

So here it is — the wacky, zero-nonsense guide on how to pet your cat without losing dignity, fingers, or respect.

STEP 1: ASK FOR PERMISSION (BECAUSE CATS ARE BASICALLY ROYALTY)

Dogs: “OMG HOOMAN TOUCH ME NOW.”

Cats: “State your purpose, peasant.”

Before petting, present your hand like you’re offering tribute.

Let the cat sniff, judge, scan, and run a full background check.

If the cat:

Head-butts your hand → permission granted

Ignores you → maybe

Walks away → rejected

Smacks your hand → application denied, try again tomorrow

Remember: Consent is key. Even if it changes every 14 seconds.

STEP 2: START WITH THE CAT TRINITY ZONE

The holy, universally approved cat-petting locations:

  • Chin
  • Cheeks
  • Base of the ears

These are the cat equivalent of “Yes, keep going.”

Do NOT start with:

  • Belly (unless you want to meet God)
  • Paws (you will lose Health Points). You’ll get scratched / face consequences.
  • Tail (you will be sued)

Warm up the cat with slow, confident strokes like you’re trying to charm royalty — because you are.

STEP 3: FOLLOW THE FUR FLOW (NEVER PET AGAINST THE GRAIN!)

Petting a cat, the wrong way is like rubbing a velvet curtain backwards.

They hate it. They revolt. They stage a rebellion.

Always pet:

  • From head to back
  • In the direction of the fur
  • At a speed that says “I worship you” but not “I am desperate”

If the cat’s tail starts flicking rapidly, change techniques immediately or prepare for consequences.

STEP 4: MASTER THE HEAD BUMP RITUAL

When a cat head butts you, they are:

  • Marking you
  • Claiming you
  • Blessing you
  • Brain-bumping you with affection

This is a high honour. Accept graciously. Do not waste the blessing.

Pet around the cheeks and the forehead — that’s where the scent glands are, and you are now “family.”

If the cat bumps you once, continue.

If they bump you twice, they’re loving it.

If they bump you thrice… congratulations, you’ve ascended.

 STEP 5: THE BACK STROKES — SLOW AND GENTLE, LIKE A SPA SESSION

Cats enjoy long, smooth strokes from head to mid-back.

But beware: Do NOT go to the tail base unless your cat specifically allows it.

For some cats, the tail base is:

  • A pleasure zone
  • A no-touch zone
  • A “touch once every decade only” zone

You’ll know which one your cat is by observing:

  • Purring = green light
  • Sudden death stare = red light
  • Tail swish = warning
  • Growl = RUN.

STEP 6: THE BELLY — THE FORBIDDEN FOREST

Ah yes.

The cat belly. Soft. Fluffy. Tempting.

Looks like an invite. IS NOT AN INVITE. Only 1% of cats genuinely enjoy belly rubs.

The other 99%:

Set a trap. Lure you in. Flip you. Grab your hand. Bunny-kick you.

File charges. Walk away proud

If your cat shows belly, it means: “I trust you.” Not – “Touch this.”

Proceed only if your cat is one of the rare belly-rub enjoyers.

STEP 7: UNDERSTAND THE PETTING STOP SIGNS

Cats communicate. You just need to read the warning labels.

🚫 STOP PETTING IF:

  • Tail flicks aggressively
  • Ears flatten
  • Fur rises
  • They stiffen
  • They turn around and look at you like you owe them money

Cats can go from “happy soft loaf” to “tiny screaming velociraptor” very fast.

Recognize the signs. Respect the rage.

STEP 8: USE THE TWO-SEC RULE

Some cats want 2 seconds of affection. Others want 20 minutes.

Try this test: Pet → Stop → Wait.

If the cat:

  • Nudges → more petting
  • Licks → acceptable
  • Bites gently → “enough for now”
  • Bites aggressively → “YOU HAVE DISGRACED THIS FAMILY”

STEP 9: BONUS PETTING TECHNIQUES FOR OVERACHIEVERS

Cheek Circles. Do small circles on the cheeks. Cats love it. Probably.

Neck Scratches:  Under the chin until purring becomes louder than your self-esteem.

Forehead Glide: Slide your thumb gently between the eyes. Instant melt mode.

STEP 10: ALWAYS END THE SESSION LIKE A GENTLEMAN

When the cat is done, they will:

  • Walk away
  • Leave mid-pet
  • Pretend they never liked you
  • Sit across the room judging you

Let them go.

Cats love affection — on their own schedule.

Your job is to show up when summoned.

FINAL WORD: PETTING A CAT IS A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT

Cats choose the moment.

Cats control the vibe.

Cats decide the length.

Cats own the world.

You?

You’re just lucky to be invited to the petting party. Master the art, respect the fluff, and remember:

A happy cat = a happy home.

A wrongly pet cat = chaos, scratches, and emotional damage.